Things at work are improving. My OM and I spent a few weeks severely butting heads, but she has since indirectly apologized and stopped nit-picking me. We’ll see how long this lasts.

I am soooo epicly worried about Christmas this year. I know what I went to get Mike, and I’m going to get it for him come hell or high water, but I’m confused about where all my money has been going lately. I stopped paying Doylestown Hospital (I had close to a $4,000 bill for ONE visit to the ER..and that was with a discount due to lack of insurance) because they stopped sending me bills. I chizzled that one down to about $300 or $400. I was sending them like a $5 to $20 check once a month. Anyways, my car payments and care insurance are no biggies. But..now I owe another doctor $140, and another $140 was tacked onto Doylestown Hospital for lab fees from a recent doctor’s visit. How am I supposed to pay for this?! Not only that, but I stopped eating out for lunch and we’ve been good about eating out all the time for dinner (sans last week..) but I’m still getting close to either $20 to $0 every week. I don’t spend my money frugally..sometimes, I’ll splurge here and there but never more than $10 at a time. What I’m getting at is that when I need money for something, i.e. a few pairs of pants and shirts for school, I’m scraping the bottom of my purse for some change. I don’t understand how last year we were doing so much better. At least, it feels that way. I don’t know. Maybe because last year, I wasn’t sick all the time, I didn’t have a car payment yet, and my car insurance was only $60/month because my car was so old it wasn’t worth total coverage. I’m just sick of feeling guilty after buying food at the supermarket or after paying for house-hold necessities (shower things like shampoos and soaps, kitty litter, Tylenol or Advil for the constant stress headaches Mike and I get, toilet paper, etc). I don’t know why I feel guilty all the time. I watch for sales, bargains, I stopped buying name brand things. It’s ridiculous. I beat myself up so bad, that I feel guilty even after paying for my $9 birth control at Target. I just feel like I should be signing my whole paycheck over to Mike to pay for the mortgage/rent, and then using the rest to pay off my bills/debt. I do have to give it to him, though. He never, ever asks me for money..and if he does, its only ever $20 just to get through the day before payday (its usually gas money, or to get bread for his lunches) and then he promptly tries to give it back to me. I’m tired of losing sleep.

And speaking of losing sleep.. I’ve been having dreams.. No..nightmares.. About “Him” again. I wake up every morning feeling sick to my stomach over it. “He” wrote me an apologetic letter via Myspace.com and I haven’t shaken him out of my skull since. I wrote back to him that I wasn’t happy to hear from him, but I’m glad he could come to terms with himself. Not only that, but I still talk to his little sister from time to time, which is fine, but she told me that “He” has been acting really weird and drawing pictures of me all the time. No offense to her, but I had to block her and “Him” from my Myspace.com profile. I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve been having these sick dreams that Mike disappears from my life, just literally poofs one day and turns into smoke, and then “He’s” there. But then Mike comes back, but I tell him I’m better off with “Him” and that Mike should move on. Then I find myself, balled in a corner somewhere random, screaming that “this was a mistake”. It’s disgusting. And it’s the same damn dream, every damn night. I haven’t told Mike yet. I’m afraid of hearing “I told you so” because I still talk to his sister. I know Mike would never dare say that to me, especially due to the situation that I had with “Him”, but I’m still fearful of it. I’m getting upset just thinking about it.

Since I’m breaking myself into little pieces today, why not continue?
My kitty, Blazey, is making me super worried these days. I’ve had him since I was 11 or so, and I’m 23 now..so, he’s up there. He was recently diagnosed with lymphoma, and his kidneys started shutting down shortly after. He’s still kicking, but with the help of a steroid, Prednisone. He’s doing great..having more and more good days vs. bad days, but I still worry. He woke me up twice last night because I heard him vomiting. Thankfully, he did it on the linoleum in the kitchen. I’m trying to keep his stress level as low as possible, but now Mike is talking about having M sleep over on the weekends. Which is fine..except Blazey doesn’t like it when M’s here and gets himself all worked up. I just worry about where we’re going to put her..we don’t exactly have a spare bed or a room for her. I don’t want her to sleep on the floor in the living room, because that’s where Blazey spills his guts almost every night. Plus, with her being here, I can only imagine what it will be like for him. He gets himself in such a tizzy these days, that he can’t control his bowels and just pukes every where. It’s a nightmare. I’m going to be either gray or bald by the time I’m 25.
I joke, but it’s true. I’ve been so stressed out lately that my hair is coming out by the handfuls in the shower. I mean, my hair was falling out pretty bad when I first moved in with Mike, and then eventually I get myself chilled out and it stops. But this time, I can feel a spot where its getting really thin on the back of my head..and now that my hair is short, I worry about how I can hide it. Maybe I’m just being over dramatic and I simply think I feel a spot. Who knows. I haven’t brought it up to Mike because I know he’s stressing over work like crazy. I’m worried about him.

I think that may be all for now. I can’t believe I just sat here and typed this all out.

Hi, Deemers!

♥